Places Where I Want To Be Other Than Here

I heard that the skies are different in Saudi Arabia, where Alladin grew up. I remember watching that Disney movie and it wanted me to see Saudi although Pinoys view it as a place where you can be alila among the Arabs before. I wanted to see the cherry blossoms in Japan until I started patronizing Koreanovelas and that’s when I learned that there is snow in Korea and I wanted to go there and maybe meet Cholo of Stairway to Heaven. I wanted to be in so many places other than where I am now. No.. not the Philippines per se but in this place I am in– the most comfortable place I can be, my room. Why you asked? Because I want to go out and drive my car and go look at nature to relax me. I am not relaxed. For some reason I am hating a lot of folks and things around me now.

Sadness

Sadness is a lot of things. It could be because of work or because of your outer surroundings. You want change but it won’t happen. You are stuck in a place you don’t want to be. They say that you are in a situation because you let it happen. I wished that in your every decision you’d know the consequences right away so that if you’ll know it will make you sad, you won’t make that decision.

I am sad for a lot of things. I am sad of what is happening in my life. Oftentimes, I just want to sleep but when I wake up, it’s still there. I worry and I get sad and no one can make me feel better. I look at my son and I say to myself that everything that I do, it is becuase of him. But there are times when my resolve is weakend and then, there are so many times that even if I remind myself of all the good things that may come out of this, I still feel like I am losing.

I was told that you should step back, evaluate and disasssociate yourself in the events that are happening around you and just don’t feel. But I can’t. I still feel. If I can make myself go numb, I’d do it. If I can make myself forget, I’d welcome it. If I can obliviate like in Harry Potter movies, I’d magic myself away so I won’t remember. But I keep remembering and I keep on worrying.

Sadness, I wish I can’t feel.

Lazy Ol’ Me

Yep that’s me. Lazy and old. I am 35 years old… ok may be not that old but old enough to know how I can be sooo lazy sometimes. I envy my sisters.. my 3 older sisters who are busy all the time; sometimes I really can’t help but wonder why they have so many things to do and so happy to do them.

Me? I’m just plain lazy and oftentimes sleepy. The only time I don’t fall asleep or do not want to sleep is when I just woke up from sleep and need to eat. I am fat and lazy. I want to write but can’t (too busy). I work and travel (because I have to). All I have is a simple wish, to love what I do and be happy doing it. My ate, she loves making money. I envy that from her. It so simple. She loves selling… she loves her business. She loves rice (that’s her business). I want to have that passion of loving something and doing it. Take it from my other sister Honey.. she just loves doing things. Be it as simple as washing the dishes. Now she’s a blogger and earning dollars at home.. buti pa sya..

My other sister who is on the other side of the world is also very diligent and very creative. She can cross-stitch, draw sketches, cook pandisal and food that will really make you hungry even if you’re not.

They have time and they make time. Me? I don’t have time all the time. Damn! I want to invest in the stock market online.. keep trying to study it.. keep putting it off all the time. Want to write here in my blog, keep putting it off also. Want to read business books? maybe next time… OMG! what happened to me and my time management?!

The Clouds In My Silver Lining

Here I was waiting for some email from the office at 11:00PM. Great timing! I should have been relaxing a bit you know, start relishing on that 3-day vacay I’m gonna have but hell-no… I am waiting for an email that will make me do work for the next effing days of my supposed relaxing bliss. Anyway, that’s when I realized — why don’t I write about the things that dampens my happy days? The peas of my bed? or the clouds in my silver lining? That’s a metaphor if you do not know.. in other words, those things that makes my life sometimes.. well let’s just say, challenging for want of a better word. Let me start with…

I’m very fond of list. I’m a list person. Haven’t you noticed? In most of my blogs, I list down a lot of things and describe them one by one. The reason? because of my awesome memory. I have a pictographic memory, well sort of. Until I start doing some work. Then that’s the time my pictographic memory kicks in. I remember the actual scene, the actual people but oftentimes forget the names, that “whatchamacallit?? what’s the word again” thingy. Like the “pictographic memory” decription of my brain, that is not the right term but I forgot what it’s actually called. Yeah, that’s my first in the list. My number 1 cloud. And the bad thing about this is when I actually want to forget something.. like, me– getting dumped by an ex–, I goddamn remember every detail.

Next are those things that change your feel good enthusiastic mood into one nightmare, i call them “day turners”. I’ll give you an example: you wake up in a great, enthusiastic mood going to work and right in the middle of something, traffic in Manila becomes a race of the tortoise, as in a road hellish commute. And your make up turns to wax because of the heat and you’re already an hour late to your 10am meeting. On top of that naka-chamba ka pa ng taxi na grabe mag-metro! Waking up at 5AM was not worth it , sana nagpa-late na lang talaga ako, grrrr. And then you promise to make a resolution to start waking up reallllyyy early and to give up your late-night couch potato sessions with the LCD. Shit. Yosi break na nga lang muna! Or sometimes, it could be as bad as this, tawa ka ng tawa in the office having the time of your life with your colleagues, not worrying about anything, thinking that you are on the right track, you’re doing great, sabay tatawagan ka ng isang tao dyan telling you that you messed up in your job and you need to explain something. eww. I hate that. Another yosi break. That is my cloud no. 2.

I am not a bad person so I won’t mention names. But I really have to say that this is my Cloud no. 3. Let’s call this person “it” so IT won’t be gender specific. IT is nice sometimes and that sometimes is when IT needs something. Like when IT wanted me to call PSE (I want to start a business Keri, can you call PSE and ask how to I register a biz??) or when IT needs to have an internet connection IT will say, can I borrow your broadband? I used to really like getting text messages from IT until I realized that IT only texts when IT needs to ask for a favor. Stupid. Now when IT texts, IT becomes automatically a cloud in my shiny, feely-looky good horizon regardless of the weather. My message to IT: Why don’t you do me a favor for a change? Maging ulan ka naman. Another metaphor, rain is a symbol of a blessing. Bet you forget that.

Ok so I’m still not through with this list just like the first list I did before. But I am sleepy and the email that I have been waiting for is still not in my inbox. Cloud no. 4 — waiting in vain. That should be a part of my list but that is supposed to be on my “things i hate doing list” so I’ll scrap that one out. Need to get some sleep and hope that i get the email soon. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to sleep and that will become my Cloud no. 5 Damn! This list could really go on and on tonight.

What I’ve Learned

I’ve got lot of people to thank esp. now that I look back and realized I learned something from them. Simple things, funny things and wonderful things that got me thinking — why the hell haven’t I been doing that before?! So I will list down some of the peeps here that really made a mark:

1. Rj – he’s my bro. He is really into family y’know. Got a hostage crisis in Manila, he’d call to check if I’m ok. Raining hard? He’d text “Ate keri ok lang?”. Someone jump sa Shangrila — he texted me to ask ok lang daw ba ako.. i told him ” tol lumipat na ako ng ofc, — putcha di pala updated”.So what did I learned from him?! To always know the office addresses of my family, hehehe kidding — to care in every possible and small ways because y’know touch naman ako that my brother checks up on me from time to time.

2. Chona – here’s a very simple girl who makes simple gestures that really warms the heart. “Gutom ka keri? Meron akong tindang mani dyan”; “la ka pang-call?, nagpapaload ako ano bang sim mo?” hehehe, joke lang… although hindi ako nagjo-joke when I said na nagtitinda sya (dati). But she’s the type to really offer help all the time. And once when I asked her if we need to accomodate some folks before to share our taxi – sabi nya sa kin “keri, ikaw ba yan?”. that’s how thoughtless I was wayyy back — but that was then, now I am more thoughtful. Care for a mani? )

3. Jayson – I learned to say thank you because of him. In each of his email he always say thanks. He requests you to attend a meeting he’d say thank you. He asks for a pen, and when he give it back he’d say “salamat…”. He gets pissed off, for some reason he’d still say thank you to your face. He was my PM in WeServ. “Jayson, may non-compliance ka sa audit. And he’d answer you to justify why he won’t accept the finding and at the end of his email he’d type: “thank you, ohayo gozaimas, jayson-san” (i know I did not get the right japanese word but you don’t mind naman di ba? Thank you!! )

4. Randy – here’s a guy who I thought will never quit asking questions. Sometimes nauubusan na ako ng explanation di pa rin sya tapos magtanong. But hey because of him, I learned Why-Why analysis– hehehe! joke I learned to ask why. Because he once told me na it’s better to know so you can move on kesa naman di ka mapakali kakaisip kung ano nga. So that’s what I learned from him. To ask and ask until you are satisfied with the answer. So Rands, ano daw yun?!?

5. Agnes G. – the girl with metrics in mind. Do you know that she can identify the 7 rules of Stability by just looking at the control chart for 1 minute? Ok medyo exag pero ibang klase talaga. I have never met anyone who is as passionate with numbers as she is. And when you show her data points her eyes sort of flashes hearts like what they do in cartoons who are in love. She really likes histograms (so how many times did your data hit 9 at a range of 100) Ok, ok I’m not making sense. What I learned from her? > (greater than) and < (less than) signs. Not so big you say? I have been memorizing those symbols in my head for 20 years! I mean c'mon that was a breakthrough!! for me at least, damn you for laughing!

So this is not a complete list but I need to sleep and wala naman talaga bumabasa ng notes ko –bitter I know, I did not learn if from anyone, I learned that on my own. But someon taught me. Ayun o, OA pa ng konti e.. ("So-so" I learned this word from an ex). I have so many people to add but sige next time na nag lang. I keep thinking of a lot of folks and parang nagsisiksikan silang lahat here in my head.And besides baka may magtampo na di ko na-acknowledge. Actually I don't know how to say goodbye.

a quote required..

The lump loves the worry inside the resident food.

MaJic

On the death of MJ.

I look for your words that are
meant to be personal
Relating to you.
When I don’t see them or read
them from the words
I discard it like garbage
Too trivial for me to notice.

You looked at the wrong side of
the world –
never bothered to look here.
Within the confines of my broken heart, a million miles away.